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EVERY JEW A .22

by Bob Black*

The late Rabbi Meir Kahane was a strong believer in Jewish self-defense. His motto was "Every Jew a .22." I can go along with that, but I take a more universalistic approach. As Robert Heinlein put it, "An armed society is a polite society." In the interest of promoting politeness more broadly, I have devised pithy slogans for additional groups. Nationalities, for example:

Every Dane a chain.

Every Scot a garotte.

Every Turk a dirk.

Every Swiss a kris.

Every Israeli a shillelagh.

Every Finn a rolling-pin.

Every Pole a pole.

For some nationalities, however, it's hard to come up with a rhyme unless you refer to them by colloquial, sometimes even derogatory terms. The Germans, for instance:

Every Hun a gun.

Every Kraut a knout.

Every Bosch a cosh.

I'm sure you sense where I'm headed here:

Every Mick a stick.

Every Nip a whip.

Every Yank a tank.

Every Canuck a numchuck.

Every Wop a riding-crop.

But it's not only nationalities that need to be empowered. So do homosexuals:

Every gay an epee.

Every dyke a pike.

Every queer a spear.

Every nance a lance.

Every faggot a faggot.

And so do women:

Every wife a knife.

Every tart a dart.

Every bitch a switch.

Every nun a gun.

Every daughter something with which to slaughter.

Minorities, as Rabbi Kahane appreciated, need to arm themselves:

Every kike a spike.

Every wog an attack dog.

Every Afrikaaner a spanner.

Every spade a grenade.

Every Lapp a strap.

Every Walloon a water balloon.

Every Aleut a jackboot.

Every Pomeranian a Pomeranian.

Every Gypsy a whipsie.

Every Tutsi, er, something with which to shootsi.

We can only hope that someday, when every Celt has a belt and every Slav a Molotov, when all the Spartans are wearing Doc Martens,


September 18, 1996